Consumerism

I had a date night this week. It was literally our first date night - barring Sweetest's Day, which turned into an utter disaster - we've had in months. It was a lot of fun. My husband and I talked like we've not had the opportunity to talk in a long, long time. The subject of consumerism came up because it's something I've been thinking about frequently in regard to my life and the life of my child (and those to come).

I've been looking around at the life I have now the last week or so. It's nice. I have a lot of amenities. I have a lot of opportunity. We are middle-middle class to low-middle class. We have every thing society says you are supposed to have in your late twenties. We're married, have a small 'starter' home - that starter home idea died when the market crashed and so did any chance of reselling -, a dog, and one child thus far. We balance each other fairly well, even though I do sometimes wish he'd join me on the 'right' side sometimes. Sorry babe! We each have cars under 20 years old with the youngest being 10 years old. We have a tiny bit of 'disposable' income, and a whole bunch of debt from when we were younger and much more stupid.

Every thing we're supposed to have I have..... So why am I unhappy? I don't regret my marriage or baby....or dog, especially since I begged for a dog for 4 years. I have everything I 'need', but there's the catch. I started to notice a hunger for more things, but once I dug under the need to satiate self-worth with 'things' other people view as important I found that I really don't want many things at all. I want a much more simple life, like Little House On The Prairie, minus being a second class citizen as a woman and being so secluded you could die and no one would know because the wolves would eat you before they found your body. *Shudder* NEEDING things have consumed most of us so much we don't even realize every billboard, commercial, and jingle we hear is playing off of our 'need' to have more. Thinking I 'need' things has gotten me a bunch of stuff I actually don't want.

After 3 years in our home, I finally apologized to my husband because I never wanted it. My gut said to wait, but I let myself get caught up in the prestige of 'owning your own home'. There have been a lot of issues concerning material things versus finance that I haven't followed my gut on and regret. I regret them not because they are not nice and useful. Who wouldn't want to live in a house? I regret those things because they have caused the situation my family and I are in now. If I'd listened to that feeling in my gut we would've waited and bought AFTER the housing crash. We would've gotten more the 900 square ft over $100,000. Let me specify that by 'more' I mean we wouldn't have bought a 'starter' home and moved up to the next sized house when having kids. We would have bought a house big enough to grow in. Now, we're at the point where we're having kids and have a house that is already too cramped. Our only solutions are to sell and maintain at least $20,000 in debt --I doubt we'd break even on the house in this market-- the sale wouldn't cover, stay in it for at least 15 years and make an addition if the city would allow, or take over the garage currently housing tools and make it livable. I feel like I could have helped us avoid this problem if I would have voiced my inner opinion and not been lured by my ego.

Most of these realizations have been nagging at me for a long time, but it has been until the last week that I've finally started to put my finger on what's bothering me. I desperately want to be a stay-at-home-mom. That was our plan until we lost site of that goal amongst the 'things'. We can't sacrifice my pay right now because my it covers food, our envelope system, and medical bills. These things that made me happy for the moment have made me unhappy for a long time. Confusing? Failure is giving up what you want the MOST for what you want at the moment. I failed. I failed my daughter. I failed my husband. I failed any children we may have beyond our daughter. I failed my God. I failed his family and mine. It's a hard pill to swallow. Still with all of this, the hunger for new gadgets and other status symbols still exists.

How will I save Wren from the very green-eyed monster I'm fighting against now? How do I teach her the value of a dollar my government doesn't even value? How, in a world DRIVEN by the collection of 'things', do I teach her not to fall into that trap when everyone and every thing SCREAMS the need? You may say by showing her. I will strive to do just that, but there has to be more.

In this life, you sacrifice one of two things, time or money --sometimes both but one primarily. If you sacrifice time to gain money, you can buy a lot of stuff, but as much stuff as you can buy doesn't fill that gaping whole that only love can fill. You can try to convince yourself that things like jewelry, new cars, and bigger houses all equal love, but it's just an illusion. Love is not things, even though we've learned to show love with things. If you sacrifice money, you have the time to invest in the things that are important, and dare I say,....the very reason you were created. Most people will never put a face on the emptiness they have inside, and some will barely feel it because they continually fill it with the next latest and greatest thing. Most of my transition in life has happened in the last couple of years. From how/where I buy food to searching for something deeper than myself, so this is all fairly new to me. I didn't want to be the woman that longed to stay home and clean the house, cook, bake, line-dry laundry, cloth diapers, etc., but I am fast becoming someone who longs for a simpler life, even if it means NOT having an iPod Touch, laptop or bigger TV.